All my life I've been one of the odd persons out. Being shy didn't help matters.
Through most of school I was bullied, bullied by different people for different reasons. Elementary school I had a group of friends. Even some of those friends who were suppose to be my friends were mean to me. I always tried to be nice and see all sides of the situation. In junior high, I got walked on by my first real boyfriend. I was talked into doing things that I didn't want to do, nothing illegal, but still things I knew were wrong.
I had an awesome friend, we did everything together, as friends come and go into your life, things take on different importance's. She became close to other friends, people I didn't really like. We became separated and ended up moving away from each other. We didn't talk for years. This was before the internet was popular and you didn't have instant connection with everyone. I got into many fights in junior high. Some verbal, most fist fights. I thought if I acted a certain way people would like me more. I thought, if I was more interesting to the boys that I would fit in more.
I found a great guy before I moved and started to become friends with his friends. He was into fitness and was an athlete in school. I started to not eat, I started to second guess myself. There was one time I hadn't eaten all day and went for a walk and fainted. Some stranger had to give me a ride home cause I was to weak to make it. It's funny how life has it's ups and downs with the different people in it.
Then I moved in the summer before high school. Way back when high school started at grade 10. We went to a public school where most if not all the kids had been together since pre-school. Very hard to get into a group of friends like that when they are so close. I was once again the odd person out. I made some friends, most were not the "popular" kids. I wasn't invited to the cool parties, I didn't hang out with the popular kids. I lived in a small town and most of my friends lived 10 minute drive away. I made some great friends. Some I still "talk" to thanks to the internet, but I haven't seen any of them in years. Mom and dad wouldn't let me go into town when it wasn't a school day. So I only really saw my friends at school. To make matters worse Dustin went to a completely different school and I only really saw him at cadets.
I was once again bullied. I was curvy, and wasn't the stick figure most of the girls in my school were. People made fun of me for being fat, even some of my guy friends. My brothers friends thought it was funny and so did he to make fun of me and treat me like shit most of the day. It made going to school hell. I started to pull away from people, I started to get a backbone and stand up for myself. I got into more fights. I put on a bright face laughing with them. Feeling like shit at home. Along with the problems my parents were having. They had always fought, but it had gotten worse. They were both drinking more, and hating each other a little more as time went on. I'm not blaming my problems or feelings on them, but it did add to the over all-ness of everything.
I was considered a nerd, I enjoyed going to school for more of the social aspect then the actual learning. I had a hard time in school and had to study like crazy. I was always failing papers and tests. I had teachers even that treated me like crap. One teacher in particular, my English teacher. I wasn't able to be on any sports teams and he taught girls sports. He made me feel about as big as a bug. Back then there wasn't much you could do about it. My mom confronted him sort of during a parent-teacher conference. She said right to his face with me sitting right there. Tenille thinks that you don't like her. What was he going to say yes, of course he said no that's not true. I still had 2 more years with him. I struggled through failing by half a mark on everything I handed in. One time I even got my dad to basically right the paper for me. Still failed. I haven't seen any of those friends since high school ended. What I find ironic, is that the people who made fun of me in high school for being to this or too that, now have teenage children. Who are either over weight, or have issues or are just mean.
After high school, I finally decided that enough was enough. I don't think it was a conscience thought. But I stopped letting people bully me. I stopped letting people take advantage of me. I laugh whole hardheartedly at things people say. I give as good as I get. I have put up a wall and hardly let anyone in the wall. The few people I have let in, I've disappointed in one way or another. I haven't responded in the way they expect me to, or deal with situations the way they want me too. I'm now a flight rather then fight kinda person.
Sometimes those old doubts and thoughts come crawling back in. Things happen, you get rejected, someone says something to you....
I'm trying really hard not to let my own girls have these thoughts about themselves. Payton already thinks poorly of herself. She gets easily offended and takes rejection personally. She won't come out of her comfort zone in some areas. She's very shy. I try to redirect her thoughts when she voices them. She had said to me "mommy I don't like it when you..." I'm trying very hard to not do those things, sometimes it just comes naturally to me and I have to make a conscience effort.
Faith is a fairly confident person. She does get upset if someone on social media says something too her. I told her not to worry about people you have never met.
Life is tough, and every experience you have, good or bad, makes you the person you are today.
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